News Flash

New Study on Birthday Bumps Reveals Nasty Truths

By Yogababy, BBC

Friday 16, 2010

It's your Birthday! For most young people, these words conjure up happy images. It means parties, presents and a sense of growth and power. But for many of the nation's elderly, these words have traumatic associations. And it's not just the feeling of life slipping by as they get older. A new study by the American Institute of Geriatrics has revealed that more than 3000 senior citizens are seriously injured yearly by one of the most cherished of birthday traditions - the birthday bump.

The study, conducted by Prof. Henry Gustavsson of the AIG and Dr. Jason McNamara of Johns Hopkins University, was a broad study conducted over 10 years and studied over 300 thousand elderly people.

The study is widely considered a landmark in the field of geriatrics and has received great acclaim from peers.

It's Gets Worse With Time

"It's groundbreaking", said Miriam Ockley, a senior researcher at Johns Hopkins, "I believe it has opened the eyes of a lot of people and exposed birthday bumps for what they are. One of the report's major contributions is that it establishes a clear correlation between age and severity of injury suffered. In simple terms, older people get hurt more if you bump and kick them really hard. It's one of those things that make sense when someone's done the hard research and shown you the results, but would never strike you in a million years. That's greatness."

The study reveals that the birthday bumps are especially severe for the elderly, but can also cause severe trauma for the middle aged. Prof. Gustavsson recalls the case of one 45 year old man who had to be hospitalised after his sons - both on their high school football teams - gave him the full 45.

The study found that people of all races were equally prone to the injuries. It also showed that women were more likely to suffer injuries than men. However, the big, overriding factor seemed to be age.

"One of the reasons the study is so important is that it has shown that, as people get older, the number of bumps and kicks increases." said John Oswald of Massachussetts General Hospital. "Not only are older people more fragile, they also have to take more kicks up the,.. erm,.... backside."

Most middle aged people, however, are able to resist the bumps. "They can run, they can hit out, they can book vacations so they're in a different country on their birthday", said Allison Pratt, a senior citizens' advocate, "But once they get older, these things become more difficult. One of my clients managed to hold out for 25 years. They got him in the end though."

And when that happens, the outcomes are ugly. "When your arse has been spared for decades and suddenly gets, what... 70, maybe 75 hard kicks, it's caught off guard. I just came from the hospital. One of my clients has it really bad - he's 88." added Pratt.

Hidden Shame

A big reason why the problem wasn't revealed before now is the reluctance of the elderly to go to the authorities. "They're your family", said one respondent, "I mean, you don't want the police to take them away. Plus, if they go to jail for it, I'll have to face charges of my own. My mother was 66 when we got hold of her - she never walked again. So I just said I fell... like everyone else."

Advocates believe less than one in ten bump victims approach the police. "Oh definitely", said Pratt, "In fact, that could be an understatement. Some of us think it could be even less - like one in five. One thing is clear, though: It's a big problem and something's got to be done."

Criticism

The study does have its share of detractors, though. Martin Blumenthal of the the University of British Columbia said, "The study has its points. But really, it's much too early to tell. The study claims a positive correlation of injury with age, but Weiss et. al. (2007) and McHale et. al. (2007) have shown that birthday bumps on one year olds also tend to cause severe trauma, while ten year olds are fine - so the age correlation may not really mean much. I believe we should wait for more studies before taking any major steps."

Public opinion on the results is divided. Some say that it's time the government stepped in and did something about this. Others, like Keith "Bud" Douglas, 62, say that increased governmental meddling is precisely what this is all about.

"It's just a ruse to get that darn Obami more power. Birthday bumps never hurt anyone", he said from his wheelchair," I kicked the shit out of my friends, and my friends kicked the shit out of me and we're all just fine. It's traditions like these that have made this country what it is, and I'll be darned if some pansy tries to mess with 'em."