Another year has gone, yet another begun,
In twelve long months, what is it that I've done !?!
Have I made great discoveries, learnt some new skills,
Or by hard work and genius, rid the world of great ills !?!
Have I written great works, that are so sublime
As to make me a legend in my own lifetime !?!
Hell, no, the last year has been utterly wasted,
The buffet of life, I've left largely untasted,
I hope I will do things better this year,
I say I hope, but I admit I fear,
That this year will be just like the previous one,
When daydreams ruled and nothing got done,
So I bid farewell to the old one and turn to greet,
The spanking new year, where I rinse and repeat.
Tuesday, January 2, 2007
Indian In Da House !
Hello the ladies and the gentlemen, and welcome to great Indian hypnotist magician's show... on hypnosis. Sorry, too many "hypnosis" like words there, haha... So yes, people, welcome, I am the "Indian In Da House!"... ... ... "Indian In Da House!", the ladies and the gents... oh you heard me, OK fine, I only thought because you did not laugh that you did not notice the way I said the "Da". I mean, when the black comedy persons say something like that, the people, you know, they whistle and clap like crazy. No I am not being like rascist, I was only trying to crack a joke,... no, no, sir, please calm yourself, I was trying to... OK I will get on with it. So yes, the ladies and the gents, please prepare yourself to be astonished like hell! And don't call me Michael Richards, I am not a bloody white bastard....
... and, of course, I am not rascist also.
OK then, let us move on! Now, for my first trick I would like to call for the volunteer from the crowd. You over there,.. no not you, that one, no, no, I mean you, the pretty young virgin one with the nice cleavage... No I am not being rude madam, your daughter is very pretty and I am telling it like it is only. What you mean, I have no business saying that, you mean your daughter has bad cleavage, or what !?! Or maybe you mean that she is not a virgin, hahaha,... come on people, it is only a joke, if black guy says it like that you,... OK sorry , sorry, my bad. So that young lady does not want to be volunteer then. OK, but she is missing something, I am telling you right now. No sir, no refunds, sorry,.. yes madam, that is the policy, if you want your money's worth you have to watch the show... hey maybe you can be volunteer... you will !?! Nice, nice.
OK the ladies and the gentlemens, "Indian In Da House!" will amaze you with awesome trick! Sit here madam, yes like that, and close your eyes. Now, I am going to relax your body bit by bit. Most people, they have lots of the tension in the neck. I relax your neck now, OK!?! (Reaches out with both hands and twists her neck, ninja style.) OK, now, as you can see, she is totally relaxed. Her body is completely at ease. Calm... cool... see, totally relaxed. No, no sir, you are not supposed to come onto the stage, no no, you will ... No sir, do not touch her, I have hypnotised her, she is... No no sir, please, she is not dead, only relaxed, no sir... of course she is not breathing, I tell you she is relaxed, relaxed persons, they do not breathe, I tell you, I know, I have done this show in India hundreds of times. Look sir, there is no need to call police, look I will make you deal, I will give you refund,... there you go, see, no need to call police, no sir do not call police,... if the black person had done like this you would have... Ouch!
Yes officer, I will not lie to you, I will tell it like it is only. I tell you she is not really dead. I could have woken her up, yes sir, easily, but her bastard husband came on the stage and disturbed me. Then she fell into very deep trance, now she can only wake up when trance releases her. I know the body is cold, that is what the very relaxed persons, their body is like that only. Some of the volunteers in India, they have even started to rot, but the trance it is very powerful, they do not wake up easily.
You see Mr. Lawyer, they do not believe me. You believe me right !?! You say, jury will not accept my statement,... it is because I am not from USA, right !?! You have way out !?! Thank you so much! OK, OK, sorry, ... no I did not mean it in a gay way, I only did it to show how much ... OK,... fine. So the deal is... OK OK, I will plead insanity plea... what condition !?! OK, sure I will hypnotise his wife as birthday gift. For discount, no wait, for free. Of course I do not sound like surprised. The Indian judges, they all make same deal with me. All of them are very satisfied. I tell you he has made very good deal. I am professional. I tell you, I have done this hundreds of times...
... and, of course, I am not rascist also.
OK then, let us move on! Now, for my first trick I would like to call for the volunteer from the crowd. You over there,.. no not you, that one, no, no, I mean you, the pretty young virgin one with the nice cleavage... No I am not being rude madam, your daughter is very pretty and I am telling it like it is only. What you mean, I have no business saying that, you mean your daughter has bad cleavage, or what !?! Or maybe you mean that she is not a virgin, hahaha,... come on people, it is only a joke, if black guy says it like that you,... OK sorry , sorry, my bad. So that young lady does not want to be volunteer then. OK, but she is missing something, I am telling you right now. No sir, no refunds, sorry,.. yes madam, that is the policy, if you want your money's worth you have to watch the show... hey maybe you can be volunteer... you will !?! Nice, nice.
OK the ladies and the gentlemens, "Indian In Da House!" will amaze you with awesome trick! Sit here madam, yes like that, and close your eyes. Now, I am going to relax your body bit by bit. Most people, they have lots of the tension in the neck. I relax your neck now, OK!?! (Reaches out with both hands and twists her neck, ninja style.) OK, now, as you can see, she is totally relaxed. Her body is completely at ease. Calm... cool... see, totally relaxed. No, no sir, you are not supposed to come onto the stage, no no, you will ... No sir, do not touch her, I have hypnotised her, she is... No no sir, please, she is not dead, only relaxed, no sir... of course she is not breathing, I tell you she is relaxed, relaxed persons, they do not breathe, I tell you, I know, I have done this show in India hundreds of times. Look sir, there is no need to call police, look I will make you deal, I will give you refund,... there you go, see, no need to call police, no sir do not call police,... if the black person had done like this you would have... Ouch!
Yes officer, I will not lie to you, I will tell it like it is only. I tell you she is not really dead. I could have woken her up, yes sir, easily, but her bastard husband came on the stage and disturbed me. Then she fell into very deep trance, now she can only wake up when trance releases her. I know the body is cold, that is what the very relaxed persons, their body is like that only. Some of the volunteers in India, they have even started to rot, but the trance it is very powerful, they do not wake up easily.
You see Mr. Lawyer, they do not believe me. You believe me right !?! You say, jury will not accept my statement,... it is because I am not from USA, right !?! You have way out !?! Thank you so much! OK, OK, sorry, ... no I did not mean it in a gay way, I only did it to show how much ... OK,... fine. So the deal is... OK OK, I will plead insanity plea... what condition !?! OK, sure I will hypnotise his wife as birthday gift. For discount, no wait, for free. Of course I do not sound like surprised. The Indian judges, they all make same deal with me. All of them are very satisfied. I tell you he has made very good deal. I am professional. I tell you, I have done this hundreds of times...
Uncovered
I was standing at the bus stop waiting for, well, the bus. General thoughts swirled in my head (such as those of comely ladies in various stages of undress), taking up most of my attention and I really was not in the mood to notice much else. But about five minutes into this reverie, a whiff of that urine cum weed scented perfume that is all the rage among the homeless suffused my nostrils. Turning around, I beheld a specimen of that fascinating community in my vicinity.
Wow. I mean,... whoa.
He came close to me and for half a moment I thought he was going to touch me for a dollar. But he just sat on the ground beside the stop and pulled out a massive joint and started away. I had to move a tad away just to avoid getting high on the fumes.
I watched the guy with interest for a while, taking in his matted hair and beard, his tattered, semen encrusted clothes, his stained shoes, his uncovered penis, ...
I looked a bit harder. Yup, there was no doubt about it. It was his wang and it was peeping out.
This put me in a bit of a spot. I mean, had this guy been your normal, sane dude, I would have pointed out the thing discreetly and it would have been dealt with. No fuss. But this guy was obviously not sane. There was no way of telling how he would take it. Moreover, for all I knew, in his current state, he may have actually unzipped on purpose.
I was still having an internal debate on the issue when I saw his joystick harden. That sort of did it. I cleared my throat to attract his attention. And some more. Then I waved. Then I asked him to pardon me. Then I tried to do more than one of these at the same time. I suppose at that point I must have been looking crazy even by his standards because he noticed me.
I started to tell tim that his thingy was showing.
"Fuck off."
"I just want to tell you that your wang is getting some fresh air, if you know what I mean."
"What !?!"
"I just ..."
"What !?!"
"I ..."
"What !?!"
I tried the pantomime method. I pointed to his crotch. He showed me his finger. Then I pointed to him and then to MY crotch. He blinked. At last, we seemed to be getting somewhere. I repeated the act, with great deliberation.
...
...
Homeless Dude: "Yes. I can see your pants are unzipped. Do them up yourself, you gay bastard."
Holy Jesus.
At least I was wearing underwear. Thank God for small mercies.
Wow. I mean,... whoa.
He came close to me and for half a moment I thought he was going to touch me for a dollar. But he just sat on the ground beside the stop and pulled out a massive joint and started away. I had to move a tad away just to avoid getting high on the fumes.
I watched the guy with interest for a while, taking in his matted hair and beard, his tattered, semen encrusted clothes, his stained shoes, his uncovered penis, ...
I looked a bit harder. Yup, there was no doubt about it. It was his wang and it was peeping out.
This put me in a bit of a spot. I mean, had this guy been your normal, sane dude, I would have pointed out the thing discreetly and it would have been dealt with. No fuss. But this guy was obviously not sane. There was no way of telling how he would take it. Moreover, for all I knew, in his current state, he may have actually unzipped on purpose.
I was still having an internal debate on the issue when I saw his joystick harden. That sort of did it. I cleared my throat to attract his attention. And some more. Then I waved. Then I asked him to pardon me. Then I tried to do more than one of these at the same time. I suppose at that point I must have been looking crazy even by his standards because he noticed me.
I started to tell tim that his thingy was showing.
"Fuck off."
"I just want to tell you that your wang is getting some fresh air, if you know what I mean."
"What !?!"
"I just ..."
"What !?!"
"I ..."
"What !?!"
I tried the pantomime method. I pointed to his crotch. He showed me his finger. Then I pointed to him and then to MY crotch. He blinked. At last, we seemed to be getting somewhere. I repeated the act, with great deliberation.
...
...
Homeless Dude: "Yes. I can see your pants are unzipped. Do them up yourself, you gay bastard."
Holy Jesus.
At least I was wearing underwear. Thank God for small mercies.
Savoir Faire
In general I tend not to talk much; most people who know me tend to describe me as "quiet" and "shy" (one of my professors went so far as to call me "inhibited"). Now this is largely because I usually have very little to say to anyone about anything.
This is not a good thing. For instance, and perhaps most importantly, it makes it somewhat tricky to attract the ladies. Take the following:
(Starbucks, crowded):
I walk over to table with one lady.
Me: Is this seat taken !?!
Young Lady (Smiling): No, go ahead.
Me: Thanks.
Me: Nice day.
Hot Lady: Yes.
...
...
...
Gorgeous Lady: Well, bye.
Me: Bye.
You see !?! On occasion I do make attempts at conversation :
Me: Hey.
Lady: Hiya.
Me: Nice day.
Lady: Yes.
Me (getting straight to the point): Umm, you look really pretty.
Lady (smiling): Why, thank you.
...
...
Lady (seeing my UBC t-shirt): So are you a student here !?!
Me: Yes, yes I am.
Lady: That's cool. So am I.
Me (Yes! Yes! Something to talk about!): Really !?! What are you studying !?!
Lady: I am doing a PhD in English Literature.
Me: Oh, really !?! What is it all about !?! I mean, this may sound strange but no one in my friend circle is doing anything of that sort.
Lady: No way..
Me: I mean, where I come from, only the academically poor take shit like that at uni. All the good ones take medicine or engineering or ...
...
...
Lady (not smiling any more): Maybe I should go.
I blame this on lack of practice when it comes to expressing myself. And that is what this blog is all about.
This is not a good thing. For instance, and perhaps most importantly, it makes it somewhat tricky to attract the ladies. Take the following:
(Starbucks, crowded):
I walk over to table with one lady.
Me: Is this seat taken !?!
Young Lady (Smiling): No, go ahead.
Me: Thanks.
Me: Nice day.
Hot Lady: Yes.
...
...
...
Gorgeous Lady: Well, bye.
Me: Bye.
You see !?! On occasion I do make attempts at conversation :
Me: Hey.
Lady: Hiya.
Me: Nice day.
Lady: Yes.
Me (getting straight to the point): Umm, you look really pretty.
Lady (smiling): Why, thank you.
...
...
Lady (seeing my UBC t-shirt): So are you a student here !?!
Me: Yes, yes I am.
Lady: That's cool. So am I.
Me (Yes! Yes! Something to talk about!): Really !?! What are you studying !?!
Lady: I am doing a PhD in English Literature.
Me: Oh, really !?! What is it all about !?! I mean, this may sound strange but no one in my friend circle is doing anything of that sort.
Lady: No way..
Me: I mean, where I come from, only the academically poor take shit like that at uni. All the good ones take medicine or engineering or ...
...
...
Lady (not smiling any more): Maybe I should go.
I blame this on lack of practice when it comes to expressing myself. And that is what this blog is all about.
Monday, January 1, 2007
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